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Stateside Holiday
Friday, July 18, 2014 * : Oh my... We forgot about... Cil! [He shakes Pencil awake.] * : Oi... wot's the matter? * : Penc, I had the most horrible realisation. * : Thet it's 2 in the mornin'? * : No. For, like, a month, our son has been missing! * : Which son? * : The little one, Cil! [The colour literally drains from her face.] * : Pencil? You okay? * : [most shocked] We're parents. * : No, no, we aren't bad parents! People forget their kids all the time, like... when you got left on the moon. [The colour gets back into her.] * : I'm awake now. We've got to do somethin' in return! * : But that's bribing, and we can't do that to our kids! * : Oh come on, people bribe their kids all the time, like... the times when Ari gave'ee money to shut'ee h'up on thet international scandal! * : I see your point. * : I'm under a blanket! * : Eh, you know what it means! [The theme song.] * : [Aside.] One... two... three... four... * : Whom are you counting, mother? * : Children. * : Always a good thing to headcount once in a while. * : This time, it's different. We know wot's goin' on. * : What's going on? * : You should know! I h'ain' sayin'e. * : Sio, what should we do? Try to pry it out of her? * : No, it's easier to wait for Dad to come home. * : True. * : What's going on? * : Mum's got a secret. * : And we're trying to get it out of her. * : Ooh, can I join? * : At this point, we might as well make this a thing for the ten of us! I mean, nine of us. * : Wait! Saye, you just made sense! * : What? * : I think that Mum finally figured out that... Cil's been missing! [A. R. I.] * : Guys! None of this actually our fault, though. * : We were victims of situation. * : Personally, I think that we should get back at them. * : We should avenge them? * : And I think I know exactly how! * : It's so nice that we're all dining... as a whole family. * : It's funny how I have exactly ten peas on my plate. [She eats one.] * : And now I have nine! * : This suspense is killing me! * : I wish I could have invited my friend Sil''via. * : Where is she? * : Tran''syl''vania! * : I think they got the point. * : That our toddler son has disappeared sometime within the last month and we've been carrying on without noticing? We know. * : [''to Pen] We were supposed to leave'e to the children to find out! * : Oh, right. * : Cil's not gone? * : Then where's 'e gone? * : He hangs above my bed at night! He doesn't need anything to survive, really! * : 'S thet true? * : He is different from the rest of us. * : Yes, he is little. * : I'm glad thet's been ta'en care o'. * : But there is one more question. Dad, remember when you did a headcount yesterday morning? * : Was he there? * : I convinced him to get out of the bed. But you didn't notice he was there! * : I don't notice when half my kids are there. It's early morning, after all. * : This is wot I means by h'incompetent! None o' this'd'r'appened if you'd let me take an 'eadcount once in a while! * : We're just glad you're okay. * : Aye, we can let this pas' be h'a pas' an'... * : Hold it! * : Chavo! * : Something is wrong. [to Pencil] Where were you on the last days of June? * : [thinking] The las' days o' June... damn, we go on so many adventures toge'er. * : That was when you were replaced with that human. * : Oh, aye, Janeka. [dreamily] An' thet G.P. [Pen looks at her suspiciously.] * : 'E's exactly the same body h'as you've got if you were an 'Omo sapiens, m8, no needs to worry. * : I mean, you were in L.A. * : Hey, that's a great idea! * : Yeah! In exchange for that Cil incident, you can take us to Laos! [Beat.] That's what L.A. means, right? * : Saye means we should all go to Los Angeles! That's where all the famous people live, and maybe where I can make it as a star! * : It does seem like the cliché that everyone should go there, and we'd be contributors of that stereotype in itself. * : Whatever he said! But wait, that Cil thing was still, like, totally not our fault. And I still feel sorry! * : Look, we had nothing to do with it. * : It was Cil's own idea. * : Then it's settled! In exchange for our mutual guilt, I offer ourselves a week-long, summer holiday to Vientiane! * : Los Angeles. * : There. * : Will Cil go with us? * : O' course! Y'says 'e's above yer bed, all 'e h'e'er saw's 'ow long ye sleep in the summers! If anyone deserves an 'oliday, it's him! * : May we see him? * : You shouldn' ask if you can see yer own child, softie! [She playfully elbows Pen.] * : You're right. We're seeing your brother, wherever he is. [Sio points towards the boys' room, where the parents follow.] * : Can you believe it, we're going to Hollywood! * : WHOO! * : I just hope there isn't a catch. * : There will, knowing Pen and Pencil. * : [from the bedroom] Goo! * | }}: God, how much we missed that w''ittle ''w''oice! [''The other kids roll their eyes.] Sunday, July 20 * : [to Pen] Have a nice trip! [to Pencil] Enjoy the USA! [to the ten kids] Have fun! Goodbye! Oh, that's a lot... * : 'Ere we are in the States. * : What have I told you kids about behaviour in another country? [Everyone says different things.] * : Right. I give too much advice. I'm going to the baggage. * : 'Ave fun! [As Pen leaves, Pencil looks back.] * : I suppose the mos' important rule, thet we're in another land, 's thet you shan't separate from each other. This is a large city we're in, an one in which we h'ain' acquainted, so h'I'm to need thet all o' ye should stay toge'er. * : Don't forget, no making fun of local customs. * : Aye, Chavo, wot'n'ale'd you repeat "Schiphol" on thet aeroplane fer ele'en hours fer anyway? * : It sounded like a bad word! [Pen returns with the luggage.] * : Wow, you're back early! * : Turns out that when your father's internationally known, you get things faster! [Pencil rolls her eyes, still smiling.] * : Aye... "known". * : I got ten. * : I've counted twelve, m8, where'd ye learn yer maths? * : Oh yeah, people do say we're like children. * : Mona, isn't this great? We get our own car! * : Yay! * : Goo! * : We searched far and wide but we finally fits a six-people-sized car. * : Hollywood's got everything! * : This ain' 'Ollywood, kid, it's a town thet's in the same county there's a distinction in thet, I know. * : Which one's our car? * : He said it was that one. [He points towards a shiny red one.] * : It's calling our name; it's got to be this! * : I hope I remember how to * : Drive a car? Me too! * : I was going to say drive on the other side of the road. * : Aye. Kenya's very different. * : You don't know how to drive this, Dad? * : Even though my heart's Canadian, it left before I could learn to drive. * : What about when we were away? * : QR, th'ole time we were in Europe, yer great uncle drove us, remember? * : Uncle Tore's got a heavy foot, that's why. * : Walk, don' run. * : Where do you people get this Never mind, just let me drive! * : Didn't you fail your driving testn when you were in Edmonton? * : Never mind, you drive! * : I was thinking that too! [Pencil elbows Pen.] * : Did I do anything wrong? [Pencil points at the kids.] * : Mum, Chavo took my spell book! * : That's littering, you don't want to go to jail again! * : As long as Zorah doesn't turn me into anything when we're here. * : We're already here! * : Hey, you're being so negative right now! * : Yeah! * : Oi, kids, no one should be fightin'! We came 'ere, all twelve of us, to celebrate thet we're a family! * : I thought we were here because you were feeling guilty about forgetting your youngest son. * : Why does it sound bad when he says it? * : Jus' drive, m8! Seatbelts, all of'ee. *'All': Yes, Mum! [The car moves, and the kids all cheer at that.] * : Driving this is easy. It might be the easiest thing I've ever done!XVI 0007' * : 'Ow rude! Kids, y'doin' fine back there? [They are all either reading books or playing on their phones.] * : O' course. * : Sorry if we're boring, but, like, there's nothing to see. * : We've been going at 6 km/hour! * : Now I don' want ter 'ear any o' thet talk whils' we're in America... They use miles, not kilometres. * : Wow! * : Ten beds... * : Ten televisions... * : I bet we have ten housekeepers too! * : Wait. If there are nine beds for us, and I assume you'll want to share a bed with Dad, where will Cil sleep? [Pencil and Pen look at each other.] * | }}: Aw, she mentioned his name! * : Anyway, we've got the bes' thing. * : Just watch! [She takes out something from her bag. Once she presses a button, it inflates into a crib.] * : You're welcome. * : Goo! * : Lallie, you've been awfully quiet. * : They're transporting my call. FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES! * : You mean transferring, right? * : Shut up, I hear a voice! [She walks to her side of the room.] * : Oi, don' geh thet far, international calls are expensive! [realising] Oh, ne'er mind, we're rich! I'm a-call Match. * : She just wants to be in a Hollywood movie. * : Or at least have a sitcom with her in it. [Yaretzi looks forward, as if there were a camera there.] * : [calling Match's number] I'm usin' a real American telephone! * : We have cell phones, you know * : Shut up, this is cool. [She waits a bit.] * : [on the other side, at her house] You still single? * : Match, it's Penc! * : Sorry, I didn't, like, know that number so I thought it was, like, my Cinder date. Where are you? * : We're in Los Angeles! * : No way, I love that city! * : Thet's right, 'ow could I e'er ferget thet you've got a man 'ere? * : So what brings you to, like, La-La Land? * : Eh? * : It's what they call it. At least, that's what my Vontubo told me. Hey, like, if you need any help or if you're in trouble of some kind, like, tell me and I'll be there. [to Eraser, off-screen] Omg, Eraser, don't do that! The dining room is not place for such, like, shenanigans. * : Tell'e we're in L.A., I'm sure 'e could do wote'er 'e's a-doin'. * : Kay. ERASER! Your brother's in Los Angeles! * : [quietly in the background] Did they go to Amsterdam? * : [to Pencil] Did you * : Aye. Can I say 'i ter 'im? * : Omg, like, say hi to Pencil. * : I'm high. * : You're done, like, for. * : I'm going to walk to Amsterdam. * : No, wait, don't [The door closes.] * : Sounds like you're 'a'in' trouble. I'll be there! [They both laugh.] * : Shall we sleep now? * : We shall. * : You're tired? How? * : 'Ow ain'ee? * : Penc, they fell asleep on the plane ride. * : Meanwhile, Cil was cryin' fer like twelve hours. * : Don't worry, Mum, Dad, just go and sleep! * : Even though in Kenya, it's... the time we wake up already! We'll be watching TV. * : Avi, you got our itinerary ready? * : It's being printed at the lobby. * : The lobby? * : How have they given you those powers? * : Oh, earlier I went downstairs and showed them your "war ID card". * : Cool wait, what? * : Pen, jus' go sleep an' dream o' physical fitness thet way. * : Good point. Night, everyone! * : Aye, 'n don' stay up too late! [A. R. I. of eunocturnal greeting.] Monday, July 21 * : Oi-m-g! * : What? * : We've woken up at the same time! * : Starting the streak over again, eh? * : Record the time. * : Alright. * : An'... 'a' we got a plan fer today or we'll jus' wing'e? * : Er, I've got to head downstairs and get that itinerary. * : Enjoy yerself! [Exit Pen.] * : Kids, wake up! * : [rising to attention] I'm awake! [The others wake up more slowly.] * : Gggggggh... it's morning now? * : It's... only ten? * : Feels like midnight! * : But we've got a lot o' things we're to do today. * : That should happen later. * : Wot? No, it shouldn'! Your father's got this 'ole day planned, y'know, thet's a lot o' money! * : Can we go back to sleep? * : Goo! * : See, Cil's 'avin' a good time! * : He's really saying that he wants to sleep. * : Oh, so ta'in' "sleeps like a baby" literally, yeah? [Enter Pen with the papers.] * : Oi, you're come! * : Hey, you got the papers! Dad, read the first item. * : "At 1000, everyone is entitled to sleep until 1200." * : An' I take thet back. * : Why've I got to drive this? If this were Nairobi, we'd jus' walk! * : If this were Nairobi, we'd have the security of being locals who know our city. And why am I in the back anyway? * : Dad, I told you! My assignment is to watch someone drive and learn from it. It's for my first driver's lesson. * : The president hasn't assigned you anything like he did with me, eh? * : No, I just got to Mum, watch out! * : Omg! [She nearly drives through the artificial gate in the parking garage. A. R. I.] * : I ne'er saw thet comin'. [She pulls up to the man in a stand.] * : Hello! * : 'Ello. * : How are you? * : [confused] I'd jus' like to know where the car park's with thet's got the bes' parkin', please. * : Car park? * : [correcting herself] Pa''r''king lot. * : Third floor. * : Asante I mean "Thank you". [Johm lets the family pass through.] * : That was a bad move, Mum. * : [rolling her eyes] Totally unacceptable. * : Bad move! Bad move! * : Who's ye to says thet I've got bad moves; I can't make a bad move, eh, Pen? * : Yeah, Penc, you are totally perfect. * : No, he's just reading from that American guidebook. * : You're finally reading that one?In an earlier episode, Pen had bought cultural guidebooks to every country in the world for the kids. * : But it's true! In the States, when someone says "Hi, how are you?", you're supposed to say, "Fine, and you?". * : Then why don' they jus' speak like we do? An' why-a-n'ale'd I want to know 'ow someone's doin'? * : You always asked us when we got back from school. * : Nex' talk o' thet an' you're in the back. * : So! Where are we going today? * : Check the schedule! * : It says here that we'll first stare at a wax version of the entire cast of Universe''That's ''Object Universe. until they move, next we learn the fine art of street calligraphy, then we find the nearest library and play on their computers Avi, is this just stuff that you like? * : [nervously] I was writing it with me in mind, yeah. * : You were only thinking of yourself? * : Shame on you! And I got no morals! * : There is no way I am going to the most boring places in Hollywood. * : Come on! * : Avi, they're all right. * : What? Are you saying we have to... [gasps] wing it? * : Come on, son, we've wung it on all our holidays! * : Dad, last time you "wung" it in Marseille, we were on the tram for five hours. * : This is a new place! 'O know wot surprises'll geh an' pop up? * : Can we stop walking now? * : If we stop, traffic will have to go around us. This is a really big city by North American standards, and I've lived in Toronto. * : Omg! It's the Celebrity Museum! * : What's the price to get in? * : In American money. * : I don't know, it's summer! I'm not doing any maths. [Ximena screams.] * : Mona, wot's wrong? * : They... they have it! * : What, is it famous? * : Do you know who you're stepping on? That's the name of Acker Aardvark! * : That reminds me, Drowsyland's not that far from here! Can we go there? * : If'e h'involves traffic, we h'ain' goin'. * : Is there anything you do like? * : Well, I do like goin' shoppin' fer things. * : And this place is known for a lot of comedy clubs. Your mum said she'd like to try the drinks [Pencil elbows him.] * : I meant... apple juice. With a hint of the medicine cabinet. * : Mm-hmm. * : Sounds boring. Wish we stuck to the original plan. * : Look, child. [She bends down to talk to him, but the traffic of pedestrians flows in both directions about her.] * : Oi, 's there a place I can pull o'er er somethin'? I'm tryin' ter 'ave a talk with me * : Beep! * : I suppose I shall jus' gi' thet talk when we get back to th' 'otel. But you 'eard me, we mus' follow the plan o' not followin' a plan. Got'e? * : I guess. * : Thet better be positive now. * : Oh, Penc, our kids are angels. [He holds onto Zorah and Salvador's backs, realises who they are, and changes it to Ximena and Sio.] * : Nice. * : Omg, look! A real life hair salon! * : [nervously] 'Air salon? * : It's what some people do so they can get the top of their heads * : Oi, I know wot an' 'air salon is. It's jus' a-come to me thet... thet's exactly where she works! * : She? You all remember what that means, right? [The kids think. Flashback.] : : SHUT THE UP! [End flashback.] * : That was so horrible my brain couldn't replay that word. * : Duh, pens don't have brains! *'Street sign': Walk. * : Wow, the signs here tell you when to walk. * : [to Pen] Oh, this is jus' like when I's 'ere in the third dimension! * : More like "bored" dimension, am I right? * : No. * : Okay, everyone, if you see someone who looks exactly like Mum, run away. [QR heads towards the door.] * : Wait! * : That's actually Mum! * : Okay. Hey, is that Aunt Match? * : Looks like her! * : Hey, Janeka, where've you been? Your shift started five minutes ago! * : Match? * : Huh? * : I'm sorry, I h'ain' she an' you h'ain' 'er. We're from Kenya! * : Nice try, Kenya, now get back to work! I've got a yeller at seat 6. * : Wot? I don' work 'ere! I 'a'n' got a worker's viser er any type o' thet, an' I don' work. * : Is that so? Then you're fired! * : Hey! No one yells at my mum like that! * : Thanks, Zorah, but I'm kind of in the mi'le o' bein' fired from a job I ne'er 'ad Pen, wot'r'ee doin'? * : Filming. * : Why? * : This would look great online. * : Put thet away, m8! * : I'm waiting until you're outside. [Janeka, a character who looks exactly like Pencil, emerges from the bathroom on the phone.] * : I don't know, it ain't like she got money and [She sees maja standing, now confused.] * : Huh? Two Janekas? * : Is now the time to run off? * : Yes! [They all run off.] * : I am so sorry, ma'am. I assumed you were somebody else. * : [to Janeka] She says you've become fired. * : Janeka, I got you confused with this British girl, and they're not as polite as they seem. * : Wot? * : Holy You look just like me! You just ain't that fabulous. * : Thet's quite alright. Where I'm from we don' care o' Wait wait wait, you're Janeka? * : Did you hear good things of my life? * : Heard'e? I lived'e! * : This is a load of . * : Oh, thet's you! Y'lives in an 'Ollywood mansion with a maid an' you've got a boyfriend 'o h'only uses'ee fer to geh'n but you're okay with'e h'acos you're into thet? * : I'm right here! * : Sorry, m8. * : What? How do you know that stuff? I know I'm a washed up celebrity, but still! Stalker alert! * : I don' know the proper way to says'e, but... we were time travellers an' dimension travellers. This is me h'an' the tall quiet one in the back's me 'usband, Pen. * : Hi. * : An' 'ere's our younges' child, Cil! * : Goo! * : So what's going to happen in the future? How will I die? Or do you not know that? * : [to Pencil] Should we tell her? * : I don' know. Wot'd Amberly Pos' says about tellin' someone 'ow they'll die? * : Then say nothing! * : Okay. [to Janeka] It's bes' if you don' know. * : What? [someone yells behind] Oh , I have a yeller to attend to. * : Bye! * : Kids, we're leavin'! [Nobody replies.] * : Pen... wot 'appened to our kids? * : I don't know! * : Weren'ee watchin'em? * : I was watching Janeka. She looks just like you! [Pencil gives him an angry look.] * : She's wearin' an eraser-net thet says "Daddy's own"! * : You're a lot more attractive. * : We've got to find our kids! Excuse me? * : Yes, potential customer? * : Any chance y'saw a group o', I don' know, ten children in 'ere? * : Yes, but aren't you supposed to be the ones watching them? * : This ain' a time fer questions! * : [sigh] They split up and ran off. * : Thet ain' funny! * : I'm serious. They have left the building. * : [about to cry] Oh, dear, 'old on to me! * : We've lost... our kids... in a foreign country... This is my worst nightmare! * : Mine too! Oh, wot're we goin' a do? * : Well, what's the first thing you do when you lose your kid? * : Go 'bout our lives fer a month. Thet's wot we did with Cil! * : Goo! * : Penc, this isn't time for joking! We have to find our kids! I'm not so sure on how we're going to do that, though. * : [who has been standing next to them] Use the phone... * : Alright, Cil, you finally came through to give us good advice! * : After days o' jus' sayin' "Goo", you're back ter English! * : [flatly] That wasn't me. [Pencil and Pen turn around and see Maja.] * : Hi! You weren't going to buy anything so I decided to treat you slightly worse by following you this whole time! * : It's a good idea. I mean, we can use our phones to call the police an' send an alert fer our kids! * : Hey. * : Wot? * : You both remind me of Janeka and her boyfriend. * : Right... aye... bye now! * : Nice meeting you! [They walk off.] * : Wow, 's she dumb er wot? * : Well, she is the other Match. [Pencil scoffs.] * : 'Ello, we need assistance. * : [to Pencil] I'm working. [to Pen] Graffeo, you're not in uniform. Bro, the happened? * : Who? We're from Kenya. * : Never mind, citizen. How may I help you today? * : We have some children who are... not with us right now. * : Missing? * : When you put it that way... yeah. * : Don't worry, sir, I shall direct you to the right place. * : Thanks, officer! * : Just follow this road until you get to... [He notices that Pencil has been looking inside the bank.] * : The hell are you looking at? This is a rob-free zone! * : I h'ain' a robber! Jus' someone with missin' kids 'o's wonderin' if 'er card works in America * : Penc, we're in company with someone who can send us back to Kenya without nine of our kids. Just say bye. * : Bye! * : Have a nice and terrible day! [They walk away.] * : I've a feelin' thet 'e don' like me fer some reason. * : Was he the cop you said you walked in naked on? * : Aye, wot of'e? * : Maybe that's why. * : No, thet ain'e... * : Sorry to disturb yer break, sir, but we've a problem. [He brings his newspaper down and is revealed to be G.P., who looks exactly like Pen wearing a large police hat.] * : Oh , are you me? * : No, we're from Kenya. * : An' I h'ain' Janeka! * : Stop making up fake place names! [to Pencil] And I oughta arrest you for being next to someone impersonating a cop. Even though you look like my girlfriend, but hotter. * : A little "'Ow may I assist'ee?" would work. * : [rolls his eyes] Ciao, how may I assist youse? * : We have kids. * : Yeah, you're definitely not me. * : And they're missing. * : Missing children, eh? How many? * : Nine, right, Pencil? Penc? * : Sorry, I's so 'ttracted ter 'ow this officer looks. Prrrrr! * : He looks just like me! * : [to Pencil] You oughta be arrested for letting your kids run loose in L.A. Do you know how many people live here? * : About 600. And those are just residents. * : Well, is there anythin' you can do ter 'elp? * : Your kids are American citizens, no? * : No, sir, 't unless you count'em bein' born in Mexico, which is in North Americker, innit? * : That's too bad. That means we can't track them. Any of youse got a cell phone? * : It's the latest MePhone. * : Perfect. If any of your kids got 'em too, youse can track them. * : Wait, you're talking about that "Find My MePhone" thing, eh? * : Exactly. When youse find all nine of them, call me. [He writes his phone number on a newspaper page and rips a bit of it out.] * : Thanks. [reading] Oi, you wrote two numbers. * : Yeah. One for work and one... if you want to go on a date with the G. [He raises his eyebrows.] * : No. * : Thanks for helping us anyway! [They walk off.] * : Penc, what's wrong? He was totally nice to you! * : Aye, wote'er... I jus' can't bear meself to be h'around the man with 'om I'd got intimate an' with'ee h'at the same time. It's terrible! * : I'm not mad. Y'know, guys like me can't help it when they're around you. * : Thanks, thet makes'e an 'ole lot better. Now kiss me! [Pen kisses her the same way as the Unconditional Surrender sculpture in San Diego.] * : Goo! [The parents regain composure.] * : Sorry! * : We're on a mission 'ere to rescue yer brothers and sisters, we shan' be kissin' now! * : Goo... d parenting. * : I wouldn't be so down, really. Y'know they're all going to stop existing two years later. * : Well, if thet's supposed to lift me spirits, it sure's 'ale workin'. * : Hey, want to check my phone for the kids? * : Please. [He loads the app. On it are several MePhones. Pencil counts silently.] * : Eight. * : Lallie got a Landroid. * : Since when? * : Since that conversation about brand loyalty. * : I'll jus' call'e. * : Call her? What a brilliant plan! Why haven't I * : Pen, call one o' the boys top down! * : Alright. Hold on, I think two of the kids are nearby. * : Hello? Hello? * : Samahani? Samahani? * : Mona, we're not in Nairobi anymore. They don't know what we're saying. * : Samahani? * : Yes? Did somebody address me in Kiswahili? * : Hi! We're from Kenya! * : I am from Tanzania! Ni nini kilichokuletea Marekani? Je, uko hapa ili uweze kupinga? Vitu vya maadhimisho vitapatikana mbele. * | }}: Huh? * : It is so great to join a fellow East African at this event! * : Excuse us, but what is a protest? * : It's when you go outside and you let the people in charge know why you don't like what they do. * : Wow! It's like justice! [Ximena looks and sees Pencil, Pen and Cil coming towards them.] * : You know, I think of myself as a "social justice wa * : Issie, it's Mum and Dad! * : They're here to protest too? Alright! We are so going to Drowsyland after this. Category:Episodes Category:New episodes